In what can only be described as the most significant military showdown since Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked Communism out of existence, the upcoming vice presidential debate features two heavyweights of military service: one a former Marine journalist, the other a former Army National Guard artilleryman. Naturally, this calls for moderators who understand the intricacies of national security and the finer points of what constitutes a good MRE trade. That’s right—Duffel Blog is throwing its cover into the ring to moderate the debate.
Why, you ask? Let’s break it down as we would a Second Lieutenant trying to read a map.
1. Military jargon, decoded
We know that if you put two veterans in a room together, at least 40% of the conversation will be spoken in acronyms, obscure references, and thinly veiled-to-flagrant insults about service branches. Who better to translate for the civilian audience than Duffel Blog?
Imagine the chaos as America’s general public tries to understand the difference between “AWOL,” “REMF,” “jarhead,” “red-leg,” or “little chicken-shit bitch.” We can help with live deciphering as what is sure to be a robust, high-browed debate unfolds.
2. We’ll ask the hard-hitting questions
While typical moderators might shy away from the tough stuff, Duffel Blog will fearlessly ask the real questions on every voter’s mind:
3. Weapons-grade fact-checking
Forget your typical “independent” fact-checkers—our method is much more rigorous. With a staff of cynical know-it-alls who are constantly looking for things to make fun of, we are sure to catch the questionable statements and set the record straight – be it on what truly constitutes a ‘POG’ or whether or not our country should roll over and let a tyrant take over another country (good question!), we’ll be here to keep the candidates honest.
4. Equal opportunity insults
We don’t care that Tim Walz never went downrange because Italy is a real deployment here. And we’ve also been drunk around furniture.
Duffel Blog has always maintained a nonpartisan policy when it comes to mockery. Regardless of your branch, or even if you’re in the Coast Guard or Space Force, no service member is safe from our equal-opportunity ridicule. Rest assured, if the VP candidates start trading jabs, they’ll need to have the burn unit on MBITR channel 1 for when we begin to weigh in.
Who shirked what duty? Who fucked who’s couch? We intend to find out.
Conclusion: Let us take the helm
In closing, do you want someone who almost served in spec ops but hurt their knee, or a highly accomplished military journalist moderating this debate? That’s what we thought.
We’re standing by.
