by Emma Abusch
“The delicate balance of mentoring someone is not creating them in your own image, but giving them the opportunity to create themselves.” -Steven Spielberg
It’s 0200 and I’m flying to my first no-notice deployment. I look up and see my new commander calling me over. I move to the empty seat next to him and receive a brief verbal initial counseling. Afterwards, as I stare out the plane window at the black water below, I reflect on the meeting. It had gone well. However, instead of fixating on the mission or tasks at hand, my immediate and inescapable thought is these leaders are nothing like me.
For many minority groups in the Army, this is a common experience. According to the 2021 Army Demographics Report, out of the over 1.3 million active duty service members, 82.7% are men. 68.9% self-identified as White, while 31.1% self-identified with a racial minority.
Yet, no matter what background you bring to the Army, being able to mentor those unlike you is crucial. The Army’s diversity is increasing. According to recent scientific studies, when leaders reach across racial and/or gender differences and embrace underrepresented minority groups through mentorship, individuals are more likely to stay and succeed in the workplace.
So, below are a couple of concepts to frame how you mentor those who are unlike yourself.
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Army doctrine defines mentorship as the “voluntary developmental relationship that exists between a person of greater experience and a person of lesser experience that is characterized by mutual trust and respect.” The first step in building a relationship of mutual trust and respect is by getting to know your mentee. Learn where they come from, who they are, and what is important to them. This sounds like common sense, but oftentimes, we assume certain stereotypes, especially regarding groups of people we may have rarely interacted with. The best way to get to know someone is by listening. Ask questions and take notes. Show that you care about who they are both in and out of the uniform.
Rank is another aspect of the Army that characterizes our different experiences. It structures every interaction by defining superiors, peers, and subordinates. Those boundaries are very important to uphold in certain situations, but a mentor needs to have enough emotional intelligence and awareness to understand when rank needs to take a “back seat.” If we want productive mentorship to exist in our ranks, the mentor needs to remain humble, recognize how the rank and age difference impacts both perspectives in the relationship, and strive to create trust through genuine conversation. That said, you do not have to be a more senior rank to help mentor others. You may have more experience because of prior service, commissioning later in life, or natural maturity. Remember that peer leadership and support can be just as important.
Age can also act as a barrier. Many leaders shy away from mentoring Soldiers, Officers, and NCO’s who are older than them. There can be an inherent awkwardness in giving advice to someone born well before you. However, everybody needs a mentor. If you have more experience in a rank or position, you are qualified to help. Reach out to those individuals in your formation who always get passed over. You may be surprised how grateful they are for mentorship.
As you get to know your mentee, listen to what help they need from you. Do not assume your mentee wants help addressing racism, sexism, or other larger systemic issues. They might just want their bunkmate to stop calling their girlfriend during quiet hours. Remember that no matter what they bring up, you can be a friendly face who genuinely cares.
At the same time, know that you might not be the best person to help your mentee with every situation. This can be a daunting discovery, but recognizing your lack of experience does not have to weaken your mentor-mentee relationship. In fact, it can be very refreshing to hear, “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said and I want to make sure you get the best advice possible. While I’m happy to talk you through it, I’ve heard (insert name here) knows a lot about this. Would you want me to help you get in contact with them?” This is called “referring.” There are a few crucial elements to remember in the referral process.
- Ask the individual before you go talk to someone else. Leave the decision up to them. Nothing breaks trust more quickly than assuming it’s okay that another person knows all their business. And no, it does not matter how qualified the secondary party is to help.
- Do not abandon your mentee. Just because you “referred” them to someone more qualified does not mean they don’t still need you. Check back with them frequently and continue mentoring them on other subjects.
- Avoid the gossip circle that can come with involving others. It’s better to talk directly to someone rather than around them.
Overall, do not shy away from the hard conversations that highlight your different backgrounds. Feel honored that your mentee feels comfortable enough to share their lived experiences. Take pride in the fact that you are a trusted agent. Simultaneously, honor those stories with the respect they deserve.
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Unfortunately, by the end of the deployment, the disparities between my first commander and me began to seriously hinder my integration into the company. During a routine conversation, he became extremely concerned about me keeping Kosher despite my insistence that I had no difficulties and was clearly communicating with the chaplain. I felt like he was creating issues instead of listening to my actual concerns. At the end of the discussion I knew where we stood: to him, differences were “problems” that needed to be solved, instead of valuable perspectives that added to the team’s problem solving abilities.
Luckily, I have served with many leaders since then who believe that diversity is an asset and not a barrier. My last operations sergeant major was a phenomenal NCO who took mentorship very seriously. When we first met, I was unsure how we would get along. He’s stoic; I’m an extravert. He enlisted in the early 2000s and embodied that old school mentality; I was 24. Yet, once we started building a relationship, our similarities came to light. I love my Australian Shepherds; he loves his Chihuahua. I am very close to my pre-teen sister; He adores his pre-teen daughters. Quickly, I realized that our vastly different backgrounds were not a barrier. I learned so much from him not only through our conversations, but by watching his attitude, work ethic, and technical knowledge. His mentorship built me into both a better Soldier and officer, and proved to me that alikeness isn’t an effective measure of mentorship capacity–an affinity to mentor is.
Emma Abusch is a US Army Field Artillery Officer who currently serves in the 18th FIRES Brigade. She is an editor for From the Green Notebook.
