THE PENTAGON – As the US military continues to struggle with lagging recruiting efforts, the Army has announced ambitious plans to fill their ranks using a program that “am lower standards more” to attract “more recruit[s].”
According to a press release from the Pentagon, the “Join Army, Bro!” campaign is aimed at those citizens who may have thought the Army was too “cerebral” before.
“Not everyone is a rocket scientist who can score a 21 on the ASVAB,” said MSgt. Cherry Thomas, from the US Army Recruitment Command. “We need warm bodies, and we need them now. Our message is if you can tell your ass from a hole in the ground two out of three times,” she said, holding up four fingers to demonstrate, “then your country needs you.”
The reasons for the service’s current recruitment difficulties are many. Low unemployment gives young people more stable pay that isn’t threatened by Congressional dysfunction, for example. And some polls indicate today’s youth may not like living in mold-choked barracks or living under the threat of food insecurity.
In such a challenging recruitment environment, the Army had a tough choice: either make the Army a more appealing career option or do nothing and hope they could fill their ranks with a new slogan and lower standards.
“Fingers crossed we made the right choice!” said Michael P. Brady, Deputy Chief of the accidentally renamed Army Office of Pubic Affairs.
“Is it really all that important that a soldier doesn’t know the difference between “there,” their”, and “they’re?” Brady asked. “What we’re saying is, the Army is no longer an Ivory Tower. If you can find your way to a recruiter, we’ll make sure you get into a uniform.”
Reactions to the new standards have been mixed.
“We don’t need more mouth-breathers,” said Sgt. Randy LaFleur. “I already got soldiers who can’t understand the difference between a protest and an insurrection. I don’t need more chum in the water.”
Comments from potential recruits supporting the drive towards lower standards were not ready at press time, as the would-be soldiers declined to answer questions because they were afraid the “government would be able to track them down.”
W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, writer/podcaster for Blowout in Damper Three.
