CAPITOL HILL, Washington, DC – In a congressional hearing this week Dr. Anthony Fauci admitted that the Military Decision Making Process (MDMP), which has guided American troops’ planning efforts for decades, is not based on science.
”For years we led field grade officers and other staff bubbas to believe that the MDMP was based on the sound scientific principles of [Course of Action] analysis, COA comparison, and COA approval,” Fauci said. “It turns out this is not based on science at all. For those I have led astray, I am deeply sorry.”
In early 2021, with poor military decision-making reaching record levels, President Joe Biden tasked Fauci with investigating the possibility that the MDMP was developed in a Chinese lab. But the classified report was kept hidden from the public, the theory was written off as a conspiracy by leading military journals, and officers continued to extol the virtues of the MDMP.
Whether at war or in training environments, soldiers were told that the success or failure of their missions depended on their ability to rotely execute the MDMP. Military leaders often ignored or suppressed dissenting decision-making processes, forcing their staffs to grind through hours of Mission Analysis regardless of how obviously fruitless their ultimate mission was.
”We trusted the process, and it turns out all the years I’ve wasted on COA development were naught but a lie,” said retired Maj. (Ret.) Steve Wystrom, taking a drag on a cigarette in front of the wall-to-wall whiteboard that adorns his living room. “Now it’s too late for me to turn back. The MDMP is a part of me. I can’t even take a piss without getting COA approval from my wife.”
During the hearing, Fauci was also questioned about the existence of the “Lance Corporal Underground” and the “Lieutenant Protection Association,” which he previously claimed were mere conspiracy theories. He admitted there was evidence from the start that these organizations existed, but the government suppressed this information to protect senior leaders from the uncomfortable truth that lance corporals and lieutenants are capable of doing things on their own.
Despite the revelation, longtime advocates of the MDMP have continued to voice their support for it.
“If it’s not based on science,” Chief of Staff of the Army Gen. Randy George said, “then why did we see so much progress in Afghanistan while using it?”
At press time, much to the chagrin of many unpromotable officers, Fauci clarified that the military promotion system is, in fact, based on science.
Cat Astronaut is a demobilized mobile infantryman and the creator of medieval and fantasy satire site Ye Olde Tyme News.
