FORT CAVAZOS, Texas — The “Great Place” is poised to get even greater following Cavalry Family Housing’s recent announcement that it will house fewer Cavalry families.
“Things haven’t been going well for people living on Fort Cavazos and privatized housing, whether people are worried about being bludgeoned to death or being sexually assaulted in their own home, so we’re shifting the goalpost,” explained Chris Nimbus, the housing contractor and project manager. “It’s like taking the ball and going home when you start to lose. Except we’re taking the ball and all the homes.”
The same innovative thinking that decided mold in the barracks was an “adulting” issue has come up with another groundbreaking initiative to end the military housing crisis by giving up entirely.
“Well, the idea really came about from our newest project. Imagine the nicest little neighborhood full of cookie-cutter homes,” continued Director Nimbus. “Do we really want Pfc. Joe Garlic and his 2.5-yard apes tearing the place up? I don’t think so!” The director added after a bout of laughter. “These SpaceX folks coming to central Texas will love the move-in bonus.”
Nimbus also hopes that DoD civilian contractors will take advantage of this policy change. “The civilian contractor shadow government that actually runs Fort Cavazos loves this idea.”
One such contractor is U.S. Army retiree Mr. Lou Pasternak.
“I’ve been suckling at the federal government teet for about 30 years. Got to get that second retirement check,” said Pasternak. ‘This will reduce my daily commute to the People First Center. And every time I start to feel guilty about displacing a young soldier and their family out of housing, I just remember they’ll never have it as bad as when I was in.”
Some Fort Cavazos soldiers don’t understand the wisdom behind leasing housing to fewer soldiers during peak PCS season.
“I had to live in a hotel room for two months just to accept a house below my BAH.” Said Sgt. Matthew Goodman. “This just doesn’t make sense.”
When asked about these concerns, Director Nimbus replied, “Welcome to the Great Place.”
When not writing for Duffel Blog, Ophelia Von showers regularly while avoiding large bodies of water.
