DEAR HARRIETTE: I am 19, and I have a close friend and roommate who seeks constant validation and reassurance from me.
Whether it’s about her clothing choices, personal decisions or even her appearance, she frequently asks for my opinions and needs constant affirmation.
I am aware that this is stemming from insecurity, particularly regarding her skin issues like cystic acne. I genuinely care for her, and I have tried to provide encouragement and positive feedback all the time. However, the frequency of these requests for validation is beginning to feel draining.
I am worried that addressing this issue might hurt her feelings, but I also need to set some boundaries because I am starting to feel exhausted and irritated around her, and I do not want to be that type of friend.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
— Validation Vexation
DEAR VALIDATION VEXATION: Sit down with your roommate and lovingly talk to her. Tell her that you realize you need to establish some ground rules for living together so that you both can be at ease.
Explain that sometimes you need quiet time when you can be left alone to do nothing — not talk, just go about your business. Explain that as much as you care about her, you also do not have the capacity to validate her every thought or decision. Tell her it’s too much for you to handle. She may need examples to understand what you mean.
You may have to stop her when she asks multiple times for your opinion. Tell her she gets five minutes for your personal critique. After that, she’s on her own.
By establishing boundaries, you will make it clear to both of you what you can handle.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My birthday is usually one of my least favorite days of the year.
I am introverted, so I don’t have a large network of people around me. Every year, I’m reminded of how lonely this can be. Friends I consider myself close to and even family members often forget my birthday.
This year, as the day approaches, I can’t help but feel a sense of dread. It’s hard to see others celebrating with friends and family when I know that my day will likely pass by unnoticed.
I wish I could find a way to make this day less painful and more enjoyable, even if I am spending it alone.
Do you have any advice on how I can cope with these feelings and possibly find some joy on my birthday, despite my introverted nature and the lack of people to spend my big day with?
— Birthday Blues
DEAR BIRTHDAY BLUES: Start planning fun solo dates for your birthday from now on. Where would you like to go? What would you like to do?
Pick a stylish restaurant and order a table for one. Order all the courses you want, and savor each bite. Take yourself out to a play or amusement park and enjoy the experience by paying close attention to everything. Book yourself a short trip to visit an area in the country or the world that is new to you. Join a tour so that you can be alone and with a group at the same time.
Talk to the people surrounding you so that you do engage others. Make it an adventure. Be proactive about curating cool experiences for yourself, and be open to meeting the people around you and enjoying the moment without anticipation of anything more.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
