WASHINGTON — The Pentagon announced today the launch of its new “See Something Stupid, Say Something Stupid” campaign, which encourages military personnel to report instances of sheer stupidity within the ranks while implicitly acknowledging the inherent stupidity involved in military service that will render that reporting equally idiotic.
“It’s about embracing the absurdity that surrounds us,” said Maj. Gen. Patrick Ryder, a Pentagon spokesman. “If it seems dumb, it’s probably crucial. From pontificating egotistical senior service college graduates to soldier shenanigans, don’t hesitate to report it.”
Ryder noted an incident during the press conference that involved a brigade mistakenly using the Army’s Integrated Personnel and Pay System-Army (IPPS-A) to process meal requests instead of payrolls. As a result, thousands of soldiers found themselves receiving MREs instead of receiving their hard-earned salaries.
“It was a logistical nightmare, and created immense hardship for soldier families, but it was a preservative-laden feast for our troops so really, we’re calling it a success. Too bad it wasn’t at Fort Cavazos!” chuckled Ryder, offering yet another stupid response to a serious issue.
At a reception following the announcement, one junior officer attempted to recite the regulation on facial hair length from memory, only to quote the section on sock colors instead. The resulting confusion led to a lengthy debate among eight staff colonels about whether beards should be classified as “camouflage accessories” or “aerodynamic enhancements” while a council of senior staff non-commissioned officers came to blows over the dangers of white socks.
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According to officials, the program features a “Stupidity of the Year” award, in which recipients are awarded the coveted ‘expert jack-ass badge’. The first recipient, Pfc. John Thompson earned the prestigious award by getting his fiancé’s name tattooed on his lower back one day after meeting her at the Ticklish Whisker.
“The good news is that he didn’t use his government credit card,” said Ryder. “Unfortunately, he blew his paycheck on lap dances but that’s the service member’s problem.”
Ryder said implementation of the program’s next phase involves Kanye West and Taylor Swift hosting a reality TV show on the Armed Forces Network. Tentatively titled ‘Asinine Adventures,’ service members will compete in challenges while simultaneously testing their physical prowess and abilities to navigate ridiculous scenarios. The pilot episode features out-of-shape senior leaders attempting to honestly pass their physical fitness test before briefing the Joint Chiefs of Staff on military readiness.
As the “See Something Stupid, Say Something Stupid” program gains momentum, its impact on military culture and morale remains to be seen. But one thing is certain, the Pentagon will continue to lead the charge to new levels of absurdity.
Adrian DeRyder is a retired soldier turned comedian. He used to serve his country, but now he just serves punchlines.
